Sniper Death Date
by Azkas19
Summary: Ronald finds out firsthand what it's like to date a bumbling sniper maid.


**Kuroshitsuji and all its characters belongs to Yana Toboso.**

**(A/N: Set after the manga's 51st chapter, where Ronald briefly flirted with Meirin before he boarded The Campania. This is purely an experimental piece. I took the least popular pairing in Kuro verse, explore their dark side and see how far I can go with it. Personally, I like Meirin's kickass sniper persona.)**

So this is how it felt like, being stood up.

Ronald couldn't say that he was disapppointed. To be honest, he hadn't put much hope into seeing her again. He was however, a tad miffed upon realizing that he'd just spent almost two hours doing nothing.

The night was still young. If that chick wasn't going to make an appearance, the least she could do was leave a note. It's only basic courtesy, right? Tch.

He paid up his drink, exchanged a brief flirtatious banter with the waitress and stepped out of the pub. Already his mind was forgetting how the girl looked like…his almost-date, that is. Was the colour of her hair a shade of purple? Or was it brown? And what about her eyes?

What he did know was she's the klutzy Phanthomhive maid. Trust Miss Grell to have intel about these things. He'd only met her once, before he boarded 'The Campania' and yet he'd asked her out. He couldn't help it. It was already a reflex action by now.

He really needed to be careful. One of these days his mouth will get him into such trouble that no amount of boyish charm would help grease his way out.

Hm, full moon tonight. He was planning on taking whatzhername out on a leisurely stroll along the Thames. Perfect way to get to know her better…not that he wanted to bring it any further than a mere couple of drinks. She's a maid, after all. What can possibly be interesting about her life? He was already dreading seeing the dull, monotonous entries of her Cinematic Record.

He paused for a moment, mesmerized by the play of light dancing over the river. Nothing, he decided…nothing at all. Might as well write her off as a lost cause. Better wipe the slate clean and find a new challenge, boyo. He grinned to himself and raised his eyes towards the heavens.

That was when he spotted a suspicious glint from the London Bridge.

…...

It was freezing cold atop the bridge, but Meirin hardly noticed. Watching over a certain so-called Death God was a cakewalk compared to the usual things she had to do around the Earl's manor.

She lay on her stomach, keeping the rifle trained towards his head as she repeated in her mind the steps of making a kill to help maintain her focus (1-Breathe; 2-Predict target's actions; 3-Don't bloody miss). She was born to do this, and if monitoring the shinigami's movements meant that she had to spend the whole night there, then so be it.

Ronald had, to put in simple terms, befuddled her. Just thinking about their brief moment at the docks turned her mind into a train wreck. No man had ever asked her out, much less flirted with her. So when he saw her again afterwards and cheerfully arranged a date with her, the only thing she could think of saying was 'yes'.

She knew she was supposed to join him at the pub, but she'd most likely die from embarassment if he gave her another one of those disarming smiles of his. She really wouldn't know how to respond to his advances, so she did the next best thing: stalk him across the rooftops of London with the full intention of shooting him should he do something remotely suspicious.

But this is impossible! She's in love with Mr. Sebastian. He never gave her the time of day, sure…but a girl can still hope, right? Besides, it's not entirely bizarre to like two men at the same time. Ohh, what was she thinking? Was she seriously considering a…a threesome with them?

Meirin had a sudden nosebleed-inducing moment when she unwittingly imagined the three of them frolicking on the bed. Her impromptu fantasy movie shattered, however, when a friendly voice greeted her from behind:

"Y'know, it'd take more than a mere bullet to kill Reapers."

She froze.

"Just felt like imparting this nugget of wisdom," the voice went on, "Before you do something stupid…like shooting me, f'rinstance."

Ok calm down, she told herself. The shinigami's here; make no mistake about that. Forget about how cute he looks when he winks at you and TURN AROUND QUICKLY-!

The shot rang into the night sky.

Meirin wasn't sure how it happened, but suddenly she found Ronald leaning closely over her, one hand around the muzzle of her rifle while the other…

…pressed a knife against her jugular.

Oh, dear.

If faces were books written in foreign language, then his expression was unreadable. Meirin quickly calculated her odds of surviving a shinigami attack and came up with a negative figure with too much zeroes in it. Still, they're just numbers, right? She'd have to do something to turn the situation into her favour somehow.

Ronald suddenly broke into his familiar grin and backed off, holding up both his hands.

"What did I tell you about doing something stupid?" he said conversationally. "Now you've discovered my weakness. I could never hit a girl…no matter what the circumstance."

Meirin quickly got to her feet, nerves still jangling from the palette of emotions running through her: dread, embarassment, desire. All these useless feelings, why do they have to bother her now?

It didn't escape her notice that her rifle had been bent into a right angle with Ronald's hand imprint still wrapped around it.

"Oh, dear…did I do that?" the young shinigami said, genuinely concerned. "Terribly sorry. I hope it's not your favourite gun. Do you play with those a lot?"

As an answer, Meirin huffily tossed it away, glaring at him in the fiercest way she could muster. Ronald laughed at her expression.

"You remind me so much of Mr. Spears. He's my boss, y'see…and he always gave me that same look everytime I come into the office late."

"I have many more, you know."

"What? Fearsome faces? Why'd you keep those? You don't need it. You're already cute as it is. Though I gotta say I'm rather surprised seeing you like this. The clumsy maid was just an act, huh? Miss Grell would be so proud of you. She'd say you're a natural actress."

"I meant guns!"

"You look even better without glasses," Ronald rambled on as if she never spoke. "Why'd you insist on wearing them? Ooh, don't tell me – you have a thing for the shinigami look! Hm, I wonder if you'd make a good Reaper. I wish there was a way for me to check, but Mr. Spears's very strict about us giving out classified information."

"Shut up! Why do you talk so much? You're not even supposed to be here!"

The young man tossed her a lopsided smirk. "You're right. I'm supposed to be at that bar, treating you to dinner and impressing you with stories I got from work. But who're you to tell me that? As far as Reapers are concerned, everybody's business eventually turns into ours."

He turned around, walking towards the far parapet with hands pushed inside his pockets. "I may not look it, but I'm actually good at reading people. I'm thinking that you're scared right now. Nobody's ever hit on you before and you don't know what to do. Your…housemates don't help, since they're all guys. But I'm a perfect gentleman, me. Miss Grell keeps on lecturing that I should always respect a girl's first time. So, whaddya say we start anew? Let's get to know each other and-"

He heard the double click and found himself staring cross-eyed at the twin silencers levered to his face. He chuckled as he snaked one hand up to experimentally push one of the guns aside, but it swung back as if magnetized.

"Man, you're full of defenses, aren't you?" he asked.

"You tried to kill Mr. Sebastian and hurt my young master. I cannot let you live. As a maid, it is my duty to clean the mansion everyday. This is what I do. I wipe away the mansion's dirt." She paused, and added emphatically: "Every last one of it."

"Oh, I get what you mean. They can get real fiesty and fight back. The dirt, I mean," Ronald said solemnly, but Meirin knew he was mocking her. She replied by renewing her aim.

"A mortal who dares to challenge a God," the Reaper said in amused tones. "Probably will make your resume sound cool…but then again, so does your gravestone."

"Doesn't matter. I have to start somewhere. Which part of your body you like the least?"

"Hm, I've always thought me legs're a bit on the skinny side…but that's just me. What do you think? How d'you like your men, eh?" He bit his lower lip, trying not to laugh at her stony expression. "Listen, that time at 'The Campania' was just a job. It ain't even pers'nal. You should understand, what it meant carrying out your duties. Anyways, how long are you planning on pointing those things? You know you'll run out of bullets before you could even hurt me."

"Who says I'm only good with guns?"

"Trying to find the best way to kill a shinigami, eh? Excellent! That means I get to see you more often after this!" Ronald said excitedly.

Meirin was clearly taken aback. For someone whose life was being threatened, he sure was being easygoing about it. She found it far too strange, too distracting. Too attractive.

"Tch, stupid," she muttered, lowering her weapons and walking away.

Ronald grinned as he leaned against the parapet. "Oh, please don't go. It's a lovely night, and I want to enjoy the view with you. We don't have to do anything else. Just…be here."

"Ronald Knox."

"Yes?"

"Staff ID number 011908-81-0078."

"What?"

"Rank: Probationary Field Agent."

"How'd you-?"

"Staff level clearance: 5. So you're really a low-ranking Reaper?"

Ronald frantically patted his pockets and found them empty. Great. She'd somehow managed to swipe his wallet when he wasn't looking, and now they're sitting prettily in her hands as she went though them.

"5 pounds?" She asked, holding up the money. "You only have 5 pounds with you and yet you ask me out on a date? Cheapskate."

"Hey, I had more before this, ok? After your no-show, I had to tip the waitress…and she's a mighty fine wait-" he faltered at her cold glance. "Ahem. So…it's still the middle of the month, and I haven't had my pay yet."

Meirin rained the remaining contents of his pockets onto the ground: a battered notebook, a pen, a crumpled hanky, a half-sucked lollypop and a set of lockpicks.

"Hm," she said, toeing the last item. "Forget your keys a lot?"

Ronald sheepishy rubbed the back of his head. "Wellll…you never know when you might need to do some emergency sleuthing activity," he said.

"Don't lie. I know a gutter rat when I see one."

"Takes one to know one, eh?" Sweet venom dripped out of every syllable.

"Not everyone's born with an 'Earl' to his name."

"Ooo…do I detect a hint of envy in there?"

"Wouldn't you be?"

Meirin stared defiantly at him; the tight set of her jaws telling him: 'We could play silly buggers all night if we have to'. He decided to back down his defenses. Only a gentlemanly thing to do, personal pride be damned.

"The street's a generous mother, but a harsh teacher," he said, looking away, his usually laughing eyes now clouded by shadows of the past. "Nuff sed."

She accepted that, for now. Looking back at the staff ID, she gave a tiny chuckle, a first he'd heard since the entire evening.

"Stupid picture," she said.

"Hey, it was my day one at work and Mr. Spears told me to look presentable. I had to wear pomade, fer crying out loud! My hair felt like a bloody helmet the rest of that day!" Ronald spotted her pack lying on the ground some distance away and a crafty grin coloured his face. Hah, two can play this game.

"Is this important to you?"

"What, you mean the ID? Sure it is," he said, nonchalantly sauntering over to the open bag and letting his fingers rove through its contents. "Can't get into the office without it. Speaking of which…can I have that back, please? I'll never hear the end of it if anything happened to it."

"What are you doing? Get away from there!"

Ronald triumphantly held aloft her sniper scope. "Whoah, this is wicked cool! You can probably see the moon with this thing!" He began to use it as a telescope, looking around the London city sprawl while making gunshot sounds under his breath. "How come I don't see this on your rifle? Don't tell me your eyesight is THAT good?"

"Give it back!"

The sniper stomped towards him and made a grab for the scope, but he was ready for her this time. He laughingly dodged backwards, holding it high up out of her reach.

"Wallet first, please. A kiss afterwards. Then maybe, just maybe I'll hand it over."

"Get stuffed and die!"

"Fine, then looks like you'll have to go shopping for a new scope tomorrow."

Meirin stopped short, a rather fetching blush creeping up her cheeks. Her eyes told him otherwise, as she tonelessly stated: "Looks like you're not coming into the office tomorrow."

"Wha-?"

Too late, she had tossed his wallet aside. He leaned over the parapet, watching in dismay as it dropped all the way down into the Thames.

"Aw, shucks!" the Reaper exclaimed, his lips pouting comically. "I'm so-oo dead!" Turning back towards the sniper, he said: "I know why you did that. You want to see a different picture, don't you? Well, just wait till I get a new one. Mr. Spears'll chew my arse for it, but meh…that's normal. Because of that, I get to keep this-" The scope disappeared within his person before Meirin could react.

"You can't-!" she said, making a grab for him, but only managed to graze the edge of his coat as he vaulted onto the parapet. He grinned at her as he precariously balanced himself like a cat.

"Makes your heart race, doesn't it, seeing me like this?" he said, the wind catching his hair and turning him into a carefree devil. "Tell me you're worried."

Meirin crossed her arms to her chest. "I won't."

"S'ok. You don't have to. Today I took something of yours. Who knows…maybe tomorrow I'll take something else." His eyes dropped none-too-subtly to her lips, making her blush furiously and pretend she was a rock.

"I'll call you for our next date," he went on. "You decide the place. Rooftop, assassins' bar, your bedroom, or whatever. I'm cool with anything. Oh, and I'll make sure I bring enough money."

"As if I'd want to see you again!"

"Ah, you're a cruel woman indeed. I like that. Y'know, this might sound like a stupid cliché line, but I've never met anyone like you before."

"You're wrong. It's not stupid. It's abysmally stupid."

"Then I suppose I'd have to think of new ones. So until next time… toodle-loo!"

Ronald gave her a jaunty two-fingered salute before jumping off. Meirin didn't even bother checking to see if he was alright. He could go ahead and die for all she cares. She was positively seething at the moment.

Damn that-that-that…insect! He'd actually made her feel all wibbly wobbly without even touching her! How could he? How DARE he? It's just so…MADDENNING!

The sniper part of her felt like shooting something, anything. The maid part merely wanted to melt into a quivering puddle of heavenly bishie fantasy. She ended up doing neither and kicked the parapet instead, resulting in a cracked toenail and a bruised ego.

There's nothing left to do except to pack up and leave. She saw her ruined rifle and failed to hold back a shudder. Remembering how effortlessly Ronald bent it made her wonder what it's like to have a Team Phantomhive vs Team Death Gods skirmish. Most likely something simple like a football match would evolve into an Armageddon.

Oh well. No point in worrying over things that might never happen.

For now she'd just wait for his call and make a list of snappy comeback oneliners just so she won't seem like a bumbling idiot the next time she sees him.

If she decides to see him, that is.

THE END


End file.
